Terror in the Night

I had a dream that made me afraid. As I was lying in my bed, the images and visions that passed through my mind terrified me. (Daniel 4:5 NIV)

Recently I attended a men's retreat and, during one of the discussion groups, the following question was on a list for comment topics: "when was the time in your life when you felt farthest from God?" I had nothing to say at the time, but later the question came to mind as I wrestled with sleeplessness late that night.

Periodic insomnia is a curse I inherited from my father, though thankfully not to the degree he suffered from it. All through the decade of my 40's, long estranged from God and fellow believers, and deeply ambivalent as to the truth of Christianity, I would lie awake during my occasional bouts at the darkest and loneliest time of night--2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. At all other times of the day and night I was successful in pushing away the question of my eternity, but not then. A sense of dread and even terror would descend on me as I examined myself. I could feel my life slipping away from me, as if through my fingers. My thoughts would range far and wide, sometimes never coalescing into anything other than my sense of dread, but often they centered around my abandonment of God and the question of faith. If God didn't exist, my life was meaningless, hopeless, and inexorably leeching away. If God did exist, I was wasting my only opportunity to secure my relationship with him.

Despite the horror of those experiences, I never once awakened my wife in bed next to me, but lay there alone in my dread, heart pounding, sometimes sweating, sometimes chilled to the bone. It was then that I felt farthest from God, utterly cut off from his presence. Eventually I would fall asleep, and when I would awake the next morning, the terror of the night before would be pushed aside as I got on with the day.

On this sleepless night at the retreat, however, it occurred to me that ever since I had reconciled with God, I no longer experienced these night terrors. Sleeplessness had become an opportunity for prayer; self-examination an occasion for resolve and hope. Because I am confident in God's existence, his forgiveness, and his presence, I'm no longer tortured by the anxieties that once plagued me.

To Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and the other new breed of activists atheists, this phenomenon is a sign of the mental weakness of Christians, religion as a psychological "crutch", or surrogate father figure as Sigmund Freud asserted in his writings. The folly of this theory is clear when one asks how the three Christian men who were horribly tortured for three hours before having their throats slit by Islamic fanatics in Malatya, Turkey last week were made more psychologically "comfortable" by their Christian faith. Here is a link to the story, but be warned: the appalling medieval atrocities committed on their bodies is sickening. Even discounting the kind of persecution endured by Christians in other countries, there is the social exclusion and contempt from non-believing friends, and even family, that Jesus warned would be the cost of discipleship.

If the world hates you, you know that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own. But because you do not belong to the world and I have chosen you out of it, the world will hate you. Do you remember what I said to you, 'The servant is not greater than his master'? If they have persecuted me, they will persecute you as well... (John15:18-20 Phillips translation)

The point is that as Christians we have hope: the assurance of God's forgiveness and an eternal existence with him. We also have the promise of peace of mind, whether in the midst of horrible persecution such as those even now experienced by so many believers in other countries, or the everyday doubts, or snubs, or social insults we may face in the relative safety of the United States.

No temptation has come your way that is too hard for flesh and blood to bear. But God can be trusted not to allow you to suffer any temptation beyond your powers of endurance. He will see to it that every temptation has a way out, so that it will never be impossible for you to bear it. (I Corinthians 10:13 Phillips translation)

We even have peace of mind during those sleepness nights when the inevitable questions arise about the direction of our lives, career, finances and accomplishments.

Don't worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7 Phillips translation)